Opponent: Ryan Braun’s Sample
Outcome: The Fifty Lashes lost (284.8 to 289.3) By 4.5 points! What’s up with these super close games?!
Prettiest-eyed opposing player: Jonathan Lucroy (catcher for the Milwaukee Brewers)
It’s a shame catchers wear such lash-obscuring masks.
Not living up to lash potential:
J.D. Martinez, OF, Houston Astros (L), Sergio Romo, RP, San Francisco Giants
How is it possible that someone with as pretty, sparkly eyes as Mr. J.D. Martinez, could earn so few points? He has returned to the bottom two, earning only 3.5 points, and a golden sombrero.
And now for a personal message to Mr. Sergio Romo. Listen here, Mr. Romo: until you stop blowing saves, and start earning more than 1.5 points a week, you can stay under that towel. You heard me! No more nice, towel-free pics or gifs till you earn more points.
Sometimes tough love is the only way.
Tim Lincecum, SP, San Francisco Giants (L), Clay Buchholz, SP,Boston Red Sox
I have given up agonizing over Mr. Lincecum’s sporadic performances and started to see it as Andy Kaufman-esque performance art/comedy. This week he earned 46.9 points, but next week he might just stand on the mound and read The Great Gatsby.
Clay Buchholz also had a great week, earning 34.9 points, but with far less chance of bongo drums.
A new challenger approaches:
My next opponent is The Power of David Bowie. To be honest, I doubt I can defeat any team with that name.